Do Good

When I think about the current events in this world I start to feel this madness creep up inside me, tottering on the verge of a complete, catastrophic breakdown. I’ve sat alone in the basement of my house and watched the news capture civilians in Iraq throw their babies onto helicopters, doing anything they can to just escape the flames engulfing them. I’ve sat and watched, this intense desire to tear my eyes out, to scratch my skin until my whole soul was bleeding from the outside in. So, recently, I’ve done the only thing I feel I really can right now besides pray: be silent.

These past couple weeks have seemed especially long and drawn out. Each morning at 4:40, Levi’s fantastic wake up time, I grumble through morning prayer, asking God for patience and kindness and joy to carry me through the day. Some days are productive and fast and feel good, other days drag. I fill time with exercise and work and plans, so many plans. But sometimes, I get sick of it all, of the routine of life.

Today was one of those days. By 9am I had accomplished what felt like all I had to do today. And really, I just wanted to stop, watch a movie under a blanket all day and stay in a place of sadness. With a child this is never an option. There are no sick days in parenthood. Levi has bad lungs too, we recently learned, and I often want to turn inward, blame myself for passing down my crappy genes. But that’s not logical. Or healthy. So when I started to get really overwhelmed today, I hopped in my car and decided to take Levi to his friend’s house, the children I nanny. He adores them. There wasn’t a greater gift I could give him today, besides his father maybe, but God’s timing is not mine and he’ll be here after Christmas, but my gratitude is still intact, because the fact is that he’s coming. Period.

So we are driving the two minute drive to their house and it hits me, this is how we are supposed to fill the spaces, by serving those we love. Making him happy made the entire day purposeful, gave meaning to all the mundaneness that threatens to suffocate the day in and day out. If I can’t change the day or mood or moment for myself, then change it for somebody else, because then, inevitably, you are also changed.

That being said, I want to say this:

Stop following your heart.

Sean Forrest taught me this well. Hitler followed his heart. The shooter in Pakistan followed his heart. The man who shot the NYPD officers followed his heart. So stop.

Follow what is good and holy and perfect. Follow what is right.

And in a world that is getting more and more messed up, do good.

Yes. Do good.

That’s my two cents this Christmas season. Jesus, come!

Love and thanks to all who prayed for the visa!


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